


don’t say you love me

by oikawasus



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Blood, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Slight BaekYeon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-26 23:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12568328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oikawasus/pseuds/oikawasus
Summary: Baekhyun was in love, and Chanyeol would be happy for him. Even if it wasn’t with him.





	don’t say you love me

**Author's Note:**

> the numbers are their ages if you’re confused lol (also my heart hurt writing taeyeon like this just know i love that girlie)

09.

  
Baekhyun huffs, cheeks puffed out and his hands on his hips. His little hands were tangled in his sweater, decorated with green aliens and spaceships. “Why are you so good at that? How come I can’t do it?” He said, his voice laced with faux irritation.

Chanyeol’s bigger fingers danced across the piano keys, playing the few final notes of the music. He looked up at Baekhyun and smiled. “You can! I can show you.” He scooted his bottom across the black bench to make room for Baekhyun to sit.

Baekhyun hesitated, but he couldn’t stay frustrated for long. Chanyeol’s cheeks were round and his smile was way to big to look natural, and Baekhyun couldn’t help but smile back. “Okay, fine, teach me how.” He caved and plopped down next to Chanyeol, their shoulders pressed together.

Chanyeol nodded quickly, his brown hair flopping across his forehead. He furrowed his brows slightly. “Sit in my lap, Baekhyunnie, I have an idea.” He scooted the bench further from the piano, creating enough distance for Baekhyun to sit comfortably.

Baekhyun looked at him for a moment before nodding, his expression confused. He moved to sit on Chanyeol’s thighs, his weight no problem for Chanyeol.

“Okay, now I’m gonna put my hands on the keys, and you put your hands on top of mine. Like this.” Chanyeol put his left hand on the keys, and grabbed Baekhyun’s hand with his right, placing on top of his own. He played a few notes, Baekhyun’s hand moving the exact same. “See? It’s like your playing.” Chanyeol grinned so wide he looked ridiculous.

Baekhyun smiled in return and nodded, shifting to look at Chanyeol. “It is.” He said softly, before placing his other hand on top of Chanyeol’s.

He could feel Chanyeol’s warm breath on the back of his neck as he played, and Baekhyun felt so content. He definitely wasn’t playing, and this probably wasn’t helping his skill at all, but Chanyeol looked so happy, and that’s all that mattered.

“You have pretty hands, Baekhyunnie.” Chanyeol’s fingers stuttered over the keys, messing him up a few times. Baekhyun figured it was hard for him to read the music over Baekhyun’s shoulder, so he ducked slightly to the side.

Baekhyun glanced down at their hands. “Thank you?” He giggled quietly as Chanyeol played the last few notes of the song, his pace slowing. They sat quietly for a few moments once he’d finished, Chanyeol still breathing on his neck. Baekhyun turned to smile at Chanyeol, only to see his face dusted in pink, spreading up from his neck. He frowned at him. Baekhyun crawled off Chanyeol and faced him, legs straddling the bench. “What?”

Chanyeol looked at him shyly. “They’re pretty. Good for— good for piano.” He hit the keys for emphasis, which ended up just looking awkward and sounding really ugly. Baekhyun stared.

“I mean.. Yeah. Thank you.” Baekhyun gave him a tiny smile, which Chanyeol returned all too quickly.

“Let’s eat. I’m hungry.” Chanyeol slapped a hand over his tummy and stood, the bench screeching across the floor. Baekhyun started to say something, but Chanyeol was already across the room and opening the door when he stood. Baekhyun let him leave, standing confused by the piano, but shrugged and followed a few seconds after. _Weirdo_.

 

  
15.

  
“Her eyes are beautiful! Oh, and her smile.. You’ve always had a thing for nice smiles, haven’t— Chanyeol. Are you even listening?”

Chanyeol snapped out of his daze, the debate in his head over how he should knock himself out coming to a stop. “What? Yea, her smell? How does she smell?” He faced Baekhyun, his eyelids heavy.

“That’s not— ok, yeah, she smells great. Like strawberries, or something.” Baekhyun sighed and gave up, his head falling back to hit the matress. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

Chanyeol spun himself around in his chair, his body facing Baekhyun. He rested his cheek in his hand, elbow propped on the arm rest. “Sorry, I just-” he hesitated slightly, “I’m not interested. I’m sorry. She sounds great, just not for me.”

“You weren’t even listening.”

Chanyeol’s throat tightened at Baekhyun’s narrowed eyes. He waited for Baekhyun to say something, to figure it all out, but he didn’t. He just nodded and sat back again, his expression softening. “Who are you interested in, then?”

 _You, dumbass_. Chanyeol averted his eyes, unable to look at Baekhyun. “Um—“

“I know! The girl from Chemistry.. Jisoo, is it? She’s got a pretty smile, Yeol, and I’ve seen how she looks at you. Trust me.” Baekhyun grins at him.

Chanyeol shifts awkwardly and tries again. “I, uh—“

“Wait!” Baekhyun sits up again. “Eunha, in the grade above! She’s older, yeah, but that’s no problem right?”

“Baekhyun—“

“Or that girl that cuts in front of you in the lunch line. She’s got an attitude it’s cute—“

“Baekhyun, stop. Please, stop.” Chanyeol said quietly, and Baekhyun shuts his mouth at his tone. “I don’t want a girlfriend. At all. Cut it out.”

Baekhyun waits for a moment, then starts again softly. “But Yeol, you’ve never had one. Like, ever. Have some fun with it.” Baekhyun’s staring at him, but Chanyeol doesn’t trust himself to look up.

“Yeah,” he picks at the strings fraying at the end of his hoodie, “and it’ll stay that way. I don’t want one. Ever.” His voice is impossibly quiet, and Baekhyun has to strain to hear.

“You don’t..” Baekhyun’s lips formed an O when he realized what Chanyeol was saying. Baekhyun didn’t say anything for a while, and Chanyeol’s heart rate was increasing by the second. He still didn’t dare to look up. He wouldn’t be surprised if Baekhyun got up and left, nor would he blame him. It was wrong, and he knew it.

“I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol didn’t look up. He cracked his knuckles, an ugly nervous habit.

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun repeated. “I didn’t know, I—“ he took a breath, “it’s okay, Chanyeol. You know that, don’t you?”

Chanyeol cracked his pinky.

“Chanyeol..”

“Baekhyun, stop. It’s not okay, it’s weird. It isn’t normal. It’s fucking weird and you know it just as well as I do.” Chanyeol’s voice was weak when he finally looked up at Baekhyun. “It’s wrong and I can’t help it.” He murmured. “You don’t have to stay. I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun blinked at him, and Chanyeol frowned when Baekhyun’s lips formed a soft smile. “Chanyeol.. It’s not weird,” he began as he pushed himself off Chanyeol’s bed, walking to stand in front of him. “You’re not weird. I don’t care who you like. Actually, I’m kinda offended you thought I’d leave.” His voice was light when he spoke, standing directly in front of Chanyeol now. He dropped to his knees so his eyes were level with Chanyeol’s. “Why would you think that? You’re my best friend. Always. Nothings gonna change that, especially not anything as silly as this. Alright, Chanyeol?”

Baekhyun’s eyes were filled with fondness when he spoke, and Chanyeol would be an idiot not to trust him. Baekhyun had never left Chanyeol, never betrayed or ignored him. Why should something like this change that?

Baekhyun ran his fingers, much thinner and longer than when they were young, through Chanyeol’s hair. He dropped his hand to cup his cheek. “Okay, Chanyeol? Do you get it?”

Chanyeol nodded slowly. Baekhyun’s face was inches away, centimeters really. It would be so easy.. For anyone else. “Okay.” He whispered, his voice cracking and betraying him anyway. Baekhyun ignored it. “I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun patted his cheek softly. “Don’t be. You okay?” He smiled at Chanyeol, beautiful teeth displayed behind pretty pink lips. _You’re so beautiful. But I can’t have you_. Chanyeol dropped his gaze.

“I’m okay.”

 

  
19.

  
“How do I look?”

 _An angel_ , Chanyeol thought. _He looks like an angel. Angels glow and shine and look like love personified. You also can’t touch angels._

“Good. Great. You look great.” He smiled an over exaggerated smile, looking Baekhyun up and down.

Baekhyun was going on a date. His first _real_ date. And for some reason he couldn’t explain, Baekhyun was making Chanyeol help him get ready. Chanyeol should be enjoying this, but he could only be so excited when the second half to the date wasn’t him.

“You don’t sound very sure about that.” Baekhyun looked down at what he was wearing, at his black jeans and casual dress shirt. He suddenly second guessed his choice, feeling self-conscious.

 _You look amazing. Stunning, and I want to fucking kiss you and have you all to myself. But I can’t tell you that, can I?_ “I’m sure. Promise.” Chanyeol held up his hand for emphasis. “You look great, Baek.”

Baekhyun smiled softly, the corners of his lips turning up. Chanyeol hated when he did that, and he could already feel the heat rising in his cheeks.

“Thanks. For helping me get ready. And.. Yeah. Thank you.” Baekhyun tucked his hands behind his back sheepishly, still smiling at Chanyeol.

“Nervous?” Chanyeol raised a brow.

Baekhyun let out a short breath. “Yeah. Kinda.” He was biting on his lower lip out of anxiety, a tick Chanyeol had picked up on over their years together. He stood, walking to Baekhyun slowly. He smoothed the collar of his shirt with his fingers, avoiding Baekhyun’s eyes. Baekhyun tilted his head back to give him room. “Don’t be. You’ll do great. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re a pretty hard person to dislike.” He ran his hands down Baekhyun’s arms, straightening the seams. “She’ll love you. Trust me.”

Baekhyun shivered and his smile faltered slightly. He didn’t say anything.

Chanyeol looked up at Baekhyun’s eyes, only to find them locked on his. “Um—“

Chanyeol gasped when Baekhyun’s lips were suddenly pressed against his cheek, a quick peck to his face. Chanyeol dropped his arms and stepped back, his hand coming up to cup his cheek. “Baekhyun—“

Baekhyun’s hands were clenched at his sides. If Chanyeol payed close enough attention, he could see they were shaking. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I have to go.” Baekhyun grabbed his wallet and keys off the table before Chanyeol could say anything.

“Baekhyun—“

Baekhyun walked past him and stopped by the front door. “Don’t. I’m sorry.” He almost whispered. “I’m sorry.” Chanyeol felt like he’d said it a hundred times. He opened the door and gave Chanyeol quick smile, then ducked behind it and shut it.

Chanyeol’s hand was still pressed against his cheek. “Be.. Safe.” He choked out, his throat feeling like it was stuffed with cotton when the lock clicked.

 

  
23.

  
Chanyeol’s suit felt too tight. His tie was choking him and his belt was squeezing him. He couldn’t breathe when he watched a smile light up Baekhyun’s face as the bride stepped through the big double doors.

His fingers twitched at his sides as she walked up the isle, his eyes avoiding Baekhyun. He listened to her heels clack against the floor, feeling uncomfortable next to Baekhyun in his position as best man. Chanyeol wanted to touch him, to be anywhere but here. But that’d never happen.

Chanyeol’s throat was dry as they recited their vows, his smile artificial and pathetic. He was lucky he was behind groom, where Baekhyun couldn’t see him. Judging by the loving look in Taeyeon’s eyes, Baekhyun was looking back at her with the same expression. An expression he’d never look at Chanyeol with.

Chanyeol’s mind went numb when they kissed, and he clapped along with the rest of the crowd. _I’m happy for him_. Chanyeol nodded to Baekhyun when he smiled in his direction, before heading down the isle with Taeyeon on his arm. _He’s happy, and I’m happy for him._

 

  
25.

  
thursday, 7:04 pm  
**im coming over  
** i have drinks  
okay?

Chanyeol frowned at Baekhyun’s contact in his phone, the other man showing no signs of a reply. Baekhyun wasn’t usually the type to leave someone waiting for more than 30 minutes, especially not on the nights he knew Chanyeol was coming over with alcohol. Taeyeon worked late on those nights, and it was their only way to spend time together with their busy schedules.

He sighed, putting his eyes back on the road. He was already on his way to Baekhyun’s, one hand on the wheel, the other on his phone. He pocketed the phone, figuring he should pay attention to the road if he wanted to make it there alive.

After a few minutes of searching for a parking spot, he parked and got out, locking his car on his way up. He walked the distance to the elevator, pressing the button and waiting impatiently to reach Baekhyun’s floor.

 _604.. 605.. 606.._ He came to a stop in front of Baekhyun’s door, hesitating slightly before rapping his knuckles against the wood. He waited, knocking again when no one came to the door. “Baekhyun?” He whisper-yelled, “You in there?” He waited a few seconds longer. _Maybe he fell asleep_ , he thought. Chanyeol jiggles the knob, eyes widening when the door slipped open effortlessly. “It’s unlocked?” He wondered aloud. _Why would Baekhyun leave the door unlocked? Did Taeyeon come home early?_

Chanyeol let his worries get the best of him, figuring it wouldn’t hurt to check. He snuck through the door, closing it loud enough for Baekhyun to know he was here. Most of the lights were off, the only light coming from the bedroom and the crack beneath the bathroom door. The sound of water hit Chanyeol first, just before the smell of antiseptic. He crinkled his nose, feet following the sound of the water. He stopped just in front of the bathroom door. “Baekhyun?”

There was a clatter from behind the door, and Chanyeol almost jumped out of his skin. “Baekhyun..? Are you okay?” He tried again, softer.

The sound of the water ceased. “Um—“ Baekhyun’s voice was hoarse. “I’m okay. Yeah.” Chanyeol could tell Baekhyun was straining to keep steady, his voice on the verge of shaking. Chanyeol pressed his ear to the door. “You don’t sound okay.”

“I’m—“ Baekhyun stopped. Chanyeol stepped back.

“I’m coming in, okay?” Chanyeol gave Baekhyun no time to respond before he was pushing against the door, only to find it was locked. “Baekhyun.”

Silence.

“Unlock the door, Baek.” Chanyeol sighed heavily. He waited for a few minutes until a tiny click was heard from the other side. He didn’t hesitate to push the door open, stepping into the bathroom.

Chanyeol’s heart dropped into his stomach when he saw him. Baekhyun’s ivory chest and sides were littered with bruises, some old and some fresh. A larger one covered the expanse of his right eye, and his bottom lip was busted and crimson. Chanyeol tried to speak, but no words came out.

His eyes flickered to the antiseptic on the counter, then back to Baekhyun’s lip, which he’d obviously been trying to fix himself. Baekhyun was shaking, his nails digging into his palms in an unsuccessful attempt to stop the shivers.

Chanyeol took a slow step forward, careful not to scare Baekhyun. He flinched, obviously shaken up. “Baekhyun,” he whispered, his voice pained, “did she do this?”

Baekhyun didn’t respond, but his eyes never left Chanyeol’s. Chanyeol figured that was his answer.

“I deserved it.”

Chanyeol’s eyes widened at Baekhyun’s suddenness. “What?”

“I deserved it. This.” Baekhyun’s voice was quiet.

Chanyeol felt the ball in his throat grow bigger, the thought of Baekhyun thinking so little of himself making him feel sick. “Why? Why would you say that?”

“I don’t love her. I couldn’t love her.” Baekhyun’s voice cracked. “I’m sorry.”

“What.. Are you saying sorry for..?” Chanyeol took another cautious step toward Baekhyun. His hand cupped Baekhyun’s unblemished cheek tenderly. “Why are you apologizing?” He whispered, searching Baekhyun’s face. Baekhyun was shivering, and Chanyeol wanted nothing more than to pull him close and comfort him, but he’d always been afraid to touch him. Baekhyun was already a good amount shorter than him, but right now he seemed smaller than ever.

“I love you.” Baekhyun whispered. “I’m so sorry. I love you, Chanyeol.”

“I know.”

“No,” frustration built in Baekhyun’s chest, his eyes burning. “Not like that. I love you, you mean so much to me. I should’ve never pretended I didn’t feel it because look how that turned out for me.” Baekhyun’s voice was cracking repeatedly, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “I love you so much. And this is horrible timing, and everything’s going wrong but I— I need you to know.”

Chanyeol opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

“It’s always been you, Chanyeol.” He leaned into Chanyeol’s hand on his cheek, dropping his gaze. “I was just scared,” he added quietly.

Chanyeol dropped his head, pressing plush lips to Baekhyun’s overheated forehead. “I love you.” His fingers stroked Baekhyun’s jaw softly. “But you know that already.”

“Yeah.” Baekhyun whispered.

Baekhyun melted into Chanyeol’s arms, their limbs tangled against each other’s bodies. It was quiet, nothing heard but the sound of their breathing. They didn’t know where to go from here, but maybe that didn’t matter.

“I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic and i’m terrible at pacing things so sorry if its shit <3


End file.
